


God's Mercy

by Telaryn



Category: Leverage
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Canonical Character Death, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hallucinations, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-16
Updated: 2012-09-16
Packaged: 2017-11-14 09:20:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/513710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Telaryn/pseuds/Telaryn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Coming to the end of his 28 Days of rehab, Nate considers his failings and his regrets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	God's Mercy

**Author's Note:**

> Written originally for Round 3 Angst Bingo - prompt: Recovery.

How many times had he made the joke? _”Are we still unclear? I'm a functioning alcoholic, you know? And the trick is not to get hung up on the alcoholic but celebrate the function part of the sentence.”_ Somewhere along the way Nate knew he’d lost that tiny strip of justification for his habits and behavior. He’d _stopped_ functioning. He’d stopped caring – he’d stopped…everything.

The DTs had nearly been the death of him this time. His injuries from the explosion had kept him in the hospital long enough for the withdrawal process to start in earnest; no sooner was he recovering from broken bones, sprains, fractures, a concussion and temporary deafness, than he found himself battling tremors, convulsions, and chills so bad he wondered sometimes if he would ever be warm again.

Remembering now, he pulled his robe more tightly around his body and thought about adding the comforter from his bed to help ward off the cold. Even now, almost to the end of his twenty-eight days, memory had a tendency to creep up on him and make him doubt the truth of his senses.

“You’re going to make it.”

Nate chuckled bitterly, not bothering to turn and acknowledge the speaker. “Not like I have a choice.”

“You have a choice,” Eliot countered. “You’ve always had a choice – you’re just too good a Catholic to admit it.”

 _That_ cut, deeper than Nate had been prepared to handle. Turning, he glared at his hitter – irrationally annoyed at how calm the younger man’s expression was, even now. “You said you didn’t blame me,” he said, knowing as he did so that he was being weak and selfish. He deserved whatever Eliot felt like throwing at him.

Hell, at this point – as clean and sober as he was likely to get – he welcomed it.

“I’m not your momma or your wife or your priest, Nate. Not my job to blame you or to judge you.” Nate felt his heart twist in his chest as that small, knowing smile softened Eliot’s expression. “Be kind of pointless now, don’t you think?

Nate snorted – he couldn’t help it. “It’s all kind of pointless now, but here we are anyway.” Turning away from Eliot, he looked out over the darkening grounds. Flashbacks and hallucinations still occasionally troubled him at this time of day – even when he could totally trust his mind to be straight with him, there were too many shadows surrounding him; too many demons he’d never quite been able to shake.

Eliot moved up beside him, sending a shiver through Nate’s body. “I think when the time comes, God’s going to be a lot easier on you than you’ve been on yourself.” Nate glanced at him out of the corner of his eye, but Eliot was staring fixedly out the window – saving Nate from the emotional connection that would have made his words too hard to hear.

Sighing, Nate turned his attention in the same direction. “Wishful thinking,” he said. “Every sinner plays that game, hoping God really is going to be merciful this time.”

He could feel the warmth of Eliot’s smile, even though he dared not turn and see the truth of it for himself. “You don’t think God is merciful? I thought that was a cornerstone of your faith, Nate.”

Silence fell between them; Nate bowed his head, struggling for a long moment against the pull of his grief. “I think,” he said at last – turning and looking at his friend by sheer force of will, “that if God was truly merciful it would have been me in that warehouse instead of you.”


End file.
